The terror that scares us.

The other terror that scares us from self-trust is our consistency; a reverence for our past act or word, because the eyes of others have no other data for computing our orbit than our past acts, and we are loath to disappoint them. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Prompt: What is ‘too scary’ to write about? Try doing it now. (Author: Mary Jaksch)

Fear is, or perhaps I should say was my middle name there are times when I find my relationship with fear to be closer than what I want. It sometimes feels like the neighbor which you dislike and you assume had moved because you had not seen them in some time only to find them sitting the next morning on their porch. I was afraid to speak the truth, my truth. I was afraid of going against the value system which had been instilled in me since birth.

As a result of my internal value system I found myself struggling with my internal voice. I struggled to keep my mouth closed. I’m not talking about gossip. I’m talking about standing up for ones self and ensuring, without hurting others my needs and the needs of those who couldn’t fight for themselves were met.

Social media made this even more of a concern. I was afraid to say something that might have been taken out of context and might cause pain to that person as well as to myself. I hated this feeling. I hated the accompanying anxiety; that empty feeling in the pit of my stomach filled with nausea. This simply reinforced what I had been taught by my parents, “Be nice, be respectful and don’t say bad things about others.”

I used to find it very difficult, scary to write about me. I also found it difficult to write about the truth about what I thought about what’s going on in this country as well as in our world. I had an opinion and I wanted to share it. Sometimes I felt like a full bottle of soda which had been shaken but with the cap remaining firmly in place. I needed to get these thoughts out or I would burst.

I took chances and challenged my fear. Little by little this fear began to leave me. The results were amazing. Nothing bad happened. I felt relieved, good. The relief was fantastic. I recently read an article in the Sunday NY Times about a blogger in Utah who was fired from her job after she had written about her employer, her employment and her co-workers. Her comments were observations but enough to have her removed from her position. I derived a terrific amount of energy from this blogger. Her experience taught me to challenge my fears and to learn and grow from them instead of shrinking and hiding from them.



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