I have been struggling of late with my new employment. It is with gratitude that I have employment with relatively fair compensation and which affords me the ability to have health insurance but there remains something lacking and it is happiness. For me, happiness in my employment is derived from fulfillment in my daily activities. There is fulfillment in my career but none in my present job. This was a job, had I known the unrealistic challenges, would have been an offer I would not have accepted.
There are moments during the day during which I am able to locate a small modicum of hope that change will follow however slowly, but those moments, as brief as they are, fade often as rapidly as they have arrived.
I sat outside on this beautiful November day thinking thoughts which poured incessantly from my brain. I briefly retreated indoors and retrieved Mr. Thoreau’s journal. I opened it to the day which accurately represents today’s calendar date, November 15th. The difference is in the year. Mr. Thoreau wrote the following entry in 1853, one hundred and sixty-two years ago. The words, while old and while they may also appear outdated are quite reflective of my current status.
Mr. Thoreau wrote,
“After having some business dealings with men, I am occasionally chagrined, and feel as if I had done some wrong, and it is hard to forget the ugly circumstance. I see that such intercourse long continued would make one thoroughly prosaic, hard, and coarse. But the longest intercourse with Nature, though in her rudest moods, does not thus harden and make coarse. A hard, insensible man whom we liken to a rock is indeed much harder than a rock. From hard, coarse, insensible men with whom I have no sympathy, I go to commune with the rocks, whose hearts are comparatively soft.”
This has been one of the more noticeable difficulties as I have had little time to “commune with the rocks.” It is unfortunate that my daily duties cannot be completed away from these men and with the rocks for if this was a possibility, I would certainly accept the invitation. Instead, I take advantage of days such as these and remove myself from the ‘uncomfortable comforts’ of the indoors and retreat outside to the comforts which are provided by Nature.
I countered this force, these business dealings with men by going to what I refer to as my “second home.” My schedule, or what I used as an excuse allowed me to not venture homeward. Instead, I remained within the confines of my real home struggling with the thoughts nd feelings which are a part of these “business dealings with men.” This morning, after rising well before my clock suggested I rise, I dressed and went for a run. The skies, still dark from the ending night were cloudless and showed their residents. Before starting my run, I looked up, as I always do in wonder and saw many familiar constellations. Visibly present in the early morning sky was the planet Jupiter, shining brightly in the early morning sky. If I would have been accompanied by a small telescope, the planet’s four main moons would have also been visible. I settled for this beautiful vision, a vision which reminds me of the insignificance of the life stressors with which I am attempting to manage.
My route, at least for the first three miles of a ten-mile run, was lit by a headlamp showing me the way and illuminating any obstacles which may serve to trip me and cause additional stress. This was one of those runs which found me enjoying the solitude which accompany’s me on most of my early morning runs. Cars and people are few, business dealings with men nonexistent and stress, at least for the moment is low. I ran at my own pace; a pace at which I found comfort within my body; thoughts, other than of what street I might turn, failing to keep up. Shortly after I began, the sun began to accompany me. It’s first whisper of light glowing a dull orange-yellow on the Eastern horizon as a reminder that despite the stresses which I encounter, another day will always dawn. As Thich Nhat Hahn has said, “It is another new 24-hours.”
Another new day will always dawn and there will always be another 24-hour period of time with which to improve our responses to the stressors which have caused us concern.
3 thoughts on “Business Dealings with Men”
I always enjoy reading your writings as I struggle with some of the same emotions as you do. I am in a job that sucks the very life out of me, the people, the atmosphere, there is no comfort for my soul. I have to put on a fake smile, and dig deep from some unknown corner of my soul to find the energy to make it through the day. I use to find solitude at home, but now that doesn’t even ease the pain I feel. Depression is an ugly beast and some days there are just no answers to be found. I wish I knew the root of the pain, what is causing it and why I am feeling so restless, anxious, and helpless. Some days I wish I could just disappear. Keep writing Peachy. I enjoy it immensely. 🙂
I just want you to know that I appreciate your thoughtful and frank commentary about the topics you write about. This one in particular, touched me as I understand what it is like to be working at a job that feels like it is sucking the life right out of you( or sucking away my soul, as I have described it to others.) Perhaps your current job is not meant to last too long and as you get in touch with the Universe and with God for direction and new opportunities, I believe they will be presented to you. Who knows, this job may may presented some challenge or experience that your soul needed to experience. As I’m sure you know, we don’t often understand why things happen the way they do or why something that seemed so positive ends up being the exact opposite. Knowing you, I do know that you will end up on your feet with a better job at some point that actually does meet your needs and you’ll be just fine. Thanks for sharing-
Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment!